security guy resume

A link was recently posted to the DailyDave mail list with the simple subject, “the typical security guy I interview.” The link went to a Craiglist resume post which I found quite amusing. I’ll repost it below, in case the original ever goes down. This is not my work!

I chat all day long on the underground hacker chats including _SILC_ AND _IRCS_ ones, not just public IRC servers. Therefore I KNOW ALL THE HACKERS. When it comes 2 the streets of the internet underground I have my ear 2 the ground.
i never use a spell checker, and i send terribly formatted work emails often with numbers used for letters and words.
I’m basically extremely lazy and I scope projects that take 4 hours of real work time for about 1-2 weeks since thats how long it takes to bring myself to work on whatever stupid project I’m assigned. I’ve been mudding against recently, I have to get the good eq. drops.

I work marginally well on teams. I dont have a problem with authority, I just dont view them as being authoritative. I am late to work constantly, but not _THAT_ late. I need at least $105k a year. I consistently order the most expensive drinks I possibly can get away with when the company card is down. I will even order drinks to then just pour out into the toilet or onto the carpet just to make the company tab higher.

I can program a variety of languages including but not limited to C, C++, a number of assembly languages, PERL, BASH, TCL and SPIN.

I cannot currently program ERLANG, SCHEME, PYTHON or RUBY but if required (which is highly likely if you think your company is a cool, hip and intelligent one), I can learn any of these languages in 2 days with fluent programmign ability with 2 weeks, as any real programmer can do with any language.

I’m an excellent programmer but many aspies (people with aspergers) can out-program me.

I have microcontroller and embeded systems programming and hardware experience including fabrication and circuit design, although I am by no means an expert in this.

I have a very useful formal college education in mathematics from a top tier university I dropped out of, and therefore I can solve many problems very logically with many extra mental tools. I am by no means a mathematics genius.

I have 10+ years in professional (PAID) computer security experience but the security industry is completely retarded now. So I don’t want to secure your web apps, _AT ALL_.

2 thoughts on “security guy resume

  1. yikes!
    y’know, i don’t necessarily project the most professional image in the world but i could certainly do better than that (especially when i’m trying to get a job)…
    plus, his salary requirements make me sad/envious… who gets paid like that to (apparently) goof off 90+% of the time?

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